ERRr...

Is this thing on?

Hi dudes. It has been quite a while, non? I sort of got swept up in the high that is the feeling of absolute freedom. It really does feel like being on drugs, only healthy. Like, I'm buzzing, but I don't feel like I could barf up my beating heart at any moment. It just feels very peaceful, and calm, and slow, and yes sometimes mildly depressing when you think about everyone partying in the city while you're watching a Celebrity Rehab marathon, but mostly "you" don't care.

I mean, right now I am sitting on my parents back patio, in a rust colored Adirondack chair, looking out onto a magical backyard of enchanted trees and flowers with a MINI FARM in the middle. It's about 76 degrees and I'm drinking a delicious cup of earl grey and typing on my laptop to you people. My dad is just inside the screen door playing guitar and singing soft jams. I can say with 100% positivity that ANYONE  in the city would want to be right here right now. Don't believe me?

right?? 

I truly am not trying to rub it in to anyone sitting at work on this Friday morning, wanting to stab pens in their eyeballs and spit fire on everyone around them. BEEN THERE!! I just want you to know that taking a life T.O. is possible and so beneficial. Anyway, that's enough preaching from me. Did I get annoying since I've been gone? Ugh, I feel rusty. 

In case you were wondering, my last day of work was pretty much the best day of my YOUNG life thus far. As I walked out of the building my spine straightened and I really did feel the weight of all that frustration and hatred and disappointment lift right of my shoulders. I hope to never have to be in an environment like that ever again and until I do have to find a new job, I am on a mission to be in these kinds of environments 24/7.

zen out hippie shit find yourself be happy

Duh, I got an iphone. Don't even care if instagram is corny, it makes life look the way I feel. Shit, that was SO CORNY! :/

Be back soon

GUYS!

It's my last day as THE BOSS!!!!!! Can you believe we made it? How do you feel??

Here is how I feel:

SURPRISE! The author of this blog is no man or woman, it's a straight CHILD! Jk jk friends, I did not mean to go all pedo with these reference pics, these children just happen to be on my same wave length right now. It's called the FREEDOM TRAIN and I'm riding it! Meow meow meow meow!

I spent the day tying up loose ends, telling people to fuck off (jk again!), and hiding any evidence of the weird shit I have been doing in this office for the past 3 months. Once I finish this post, I'll erase my internet history et VOILA, my time in office is over like Obama's (REALLY JKJKJK SORRY MOM!!)

In all seriousness, I am proud of myself for making it through, I am thankful to the universe for making the last three months go by so quickly, and I do not feel one morsel of regret in leaving this place. The "lady who named her human child after my canine child" is coming back tomorrow. I will need some strength to get through that bullshit fake smile-a-thon, so universe, don't quit on me just yet! After 6pm today, I will no longer have a desk, so I will need to write from home how my very last last day in this building goes. I might film myself walking out of the building, we'll see. Until then, I would like to say YOW! IM FUCKING DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE AND PEACE TO THE WORLD. DONT LET THE MAN GET YOU DOWN. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY SINGLE WAY. YOU CAN DO IT. IF YOU DONT LIKE WHATS FOR DINNER, MAKE SOMETHING ELSE.XOXOXOXO

Hi fellas.

Shit has been insane! Everyday something ridiculous happens that tops the day before. Yesterday, my entire calendar with alllllllllll the important info for my job disappeared off of my computer.... pardon? Is this for real? Last week, I had my exit interview with HR and I CRIED. This, unfortunately, is for real real.  See ya never future opportunities with this company! Oh, and last Friday night, I ran into my boss at 3:30am at a bar and he had an anxiety attack and couldn't formulate words...... I cannot even make this shit up, people, it's just so straaaange!

But alas, this is my last real week of being boss! 3 months and only 15 blog posts later (whoops) and I'm in the final countdown: 5 days. I have the day off tomorrow, my last summer friday of my career, then Monday and Tuesday I'm boss, then the woman formerly known as my boss but currently known as the lady who named her baby after my dog, shows back up on Wednesday and I'm outtie on Friday! CAN YOU FCUKING BELIEVE IT? I can't really. Think I'll get a party? I dunno. Hope I get sumthin. I'll let you know, I'm sure your dying to find out.

I am going to keep writing this blog after I am no longer The Boss of this place, just The Boss of Me. When I try to picture my future beyond July it looks like this:

eeks

However, when I picture my life between the dates of July 15th and July 31st, it looks like this:

creeps

No but really, I plan to be partying the entire 2 weeks, so If you know me and want to hang, holler at me. Because before you know, I'll be gone and you'll miss me. This is true, trust. I'm fun! 

Well, it's that time of day where I get together my final task, and then just sit here pretending to be busy for the last 2 hours of the work day when really I'm just reading your stupid tweets and twiddling my thumbs.  I'm in a weird mood right now, sorry. LOVE YOU!

Eek

So, a lot of things have happened. Mainly, I quit.

I gave my notice earlier than I was expecting, and I am working a week longer than I was hoping, but it's all on the table now and I'm just trying to make it though the next three weeks. My anxiety level is like SKY HIGH, mostly because I just want to get out of here so badly. The way things went down was NOT cool, and that definitely was not my fault. Babies are running this company I tell you! I let myself be bummed about the situation for about two days, and then I just got excited about what the future will bring.

I'm not going to get into the details of what happened, because two Fridays ago I wrote this whole rant about a fat corporate asshole who wronged me, and then went home and smoked weed and got paranoid that somehow he would read it and fire me. Which actually, wouldn't be bad because then I could collect unemployment, but I was kind of tweaking out and imagined this whole scenario where the company would make an example out of me and publicize what happens when you hate blog your work place. So then I deleted the post and made this blog invisible for about 48 hours and then remembered that maybe I want to become a writer so I changed it back to public. Which quite possibly could have gone unnoticed because I don't know how many people actually read this thing other than my mom and aunt. Hi ladies.

So, it's official. My last day of work is July 15th. That means 16 work days left. Wuh. BUT once I am done I will have two weeks to just straight fuck around in the city. And then also potentially a life time after that because I have nothing concrete planned yet.

I really am just checking in because I have not been good at blogging lately and I am currently BORED. Being Boss is a mix of extreme crazy time and slumped over in boredom desperation time. Other things- I'm going to that friend wedding I mentioned in my first post this weekend. Wish me good hair luck! My dress is awesome so no worries in that department. Won't it be funny if I turn out to be a boy? This blog so mysterious, no?!?

I know!

It's been so long!

After the post vacation depression wore off (mostly), things went into hyperdrive over here. Gag.

It's the one month stretch, you guys, and its SO HARD. Everyday is like a close-but-no-cigar type scenario. When all I want to do is reply to every annoying email with, "I don't care and I probably hate you," I instead have to be like, "Oh sure, I'll rearrange a thousand things to accommodate YOU. It's my PLEASURE!!! XOXO." Seriously. People I've never met in real life sign their emails to me with xoxo.... whyyyyy? I know you don't love me! You don't even know what my face/body/shoes look like. For all you know I could wear these everyday:

BAAAAAARF barfbarfbarfbarf

The last two months did actually go by pretty quickly though and I just counted and this time I made no mistakes: 19 DAYS of work left!!!!!!!!! NINETEEN. I just got tingly. When I walk out of this building for the last time I will definitely look like this:

Then I might barf and go hug my dog for one week straight, because it's actually kind of scary to have no solid plan and basically drop the life I've been leading for the last four years in search of a better one....

(ps. - better life does not include better friends, family, boyfriends BTW. xoxo- I MEAN IT!)

Out of Office AutoReply

Summa summa summa TYYYme!

I'm about to say hello to a 4 day weekend- Hello Gorgeous! Tomorrow is my first Summer Friday and I'm celebrating with a trip on down to South Beach. It just happens to be the hip hop convention this weekend as well. Which means a lot of this:

A day before I'm out of the office is always a hectic one. Shit is CRAZY today! Relax folks, we are not actually contributing to society in any way! Guess what? Dogs are crawling back to their homes with two broken legs after being swept away by tornados! It takes them 2 weeks! But they make it back to their families! Are you crying? I AM!!!

Week 7 Update

Hello from week 7!

It's been a pretty great week. Not because of anything work related, derrr, but because Boss Birthday was excellent and SUMMER FRIDAYS start this week!

(WAIT TIME OUT, IM PRETTY SURE IM MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH A GUY ON A ROOF IN OVERALLS AND A BANDANA THROUGH MY OFFICE WINDOW RIGHT NOW! EEK THIS FEELS SO WEIRD!!)

Okay, time in. My 7 day birthday celebration (that is not over yet) can be summed up by these photos- in no particular order:

Yep. Someone gave me a million dollars. The week long celebration is making its next stop in Miami, FL. Shout out to my brother! Thanks already for the sushi dinner you don't know you're treating me to! Yum!

When it rains, I snore.

It has been oh so rainy this week. Jesus or Zeus or someone is really trying to neg on my upbeat vibes, but my favorite day of the year is coming so neg away bitches, you can't touch me!

What's my favorite day?


Duh, it's my birthday!

I realllllly don't understand the people who hate their birthdays. "Naw, I'm not going to celebrate. I just want to go to bed and wake up when it's not my birthday."

.....WHAT?

I mean, this is the one day of the year when you can pretty much get away with anything. Make me breakfast, walk my dog, rub my back, buy me presentsssss (shout out to my boyfriend, hi!). For me, it's the happiest day of the year. Selfish? Probably, but that's the whole point of birthdays! I didn't make the rules. I just exploit them.

Although I am celebrating the weekend before, my actual birthday lands right in the middle of the work week. So this year will be my first (only?) birthday as a Boss. Will I get a cake? Will I get gifts? Will people bribe me to do Bossly things for them? Will no one remember? Stay tuned to find out!

In other news, I have been getting quite comfy in my office. Not only do I have multiple pairs of shoes strewn about, blast the Florence + The Machine pandora station, but I have also definitely been taking advantage of the door. Just yesterday I was feeling quite tired so I slid the door closed, pretended to be on an important phone call by talking loudly to no one, and proceeded to lay my little head right down on my desk.

And here is a visual:

And there you have it! Week six people, welcome to it. 

Farm Livin' is the Life For Me

When you work in a part of town where dodging tourists and avoiding "comedians" begging you to come watch their stand-up is the name of the game, finding a quiet, yummy place to eat lunch can be impossible! But if you happen to be the Boss, you just may have the low down on the down low lunch joints. So DL in fact that stars can often be spotted. 


Secret lunch star spots thus far:


Robin Williams

He was basically wearing this exact outfit/hair situation.

Star Sighting Rating: 9 

Becca Warner

She has a real name, but I'm pretty sure this is the only role she played that mattered.

Star Sighting Rating: 10!

There was also an actress from that Private Practice show, but I mean, who cares?

Star Sighting Rating: not even on my radar

Happy Friday the 13th! 

In honor of the date, I spent 3 hours photoshopping the faces of my friends onto a picture from The Craft. Here are the reviews:

"it is just so weird looking, you all look like deformed"

"i cant even look at it really"

Another successful day at the office! Only 3 hours left in the work day. What shall I do?

It's the Little Things

Rolling into week 5 and I'm still alive. Pow.

The sunshine is slowly warming me up and when paired with a little Gucci Mane commute time, I'm pretty much ready to high-five the shit out of this place. I've been pleased with my outfits the last couple of days, and despite the fact that I got a little heavy handed with my ATM card last month, I have lined up some exciting things to get me on through to July. Can I make it? I think I can!

I'd say the best thing that has happened since I started Bossing was walking into my office this morning and seeing this on my desk:

A shoe tape dispenser! 

Whaaaaaaat? 

Sometimes co-workers are the funniest people ever. I would like to officially thank Scotch Tape for getting it. And you better believe that this shoe dispenser (omg imagine!) is coming with me when I leave this place.

So offical countdown:
38 work days
59 life days

I'm pretty sure I have incorrectly done the math every time I have calculated the countdown, so consider this a rough estimate.

Alright minions,
back to work!

One Month Deep...

two to go. OMG time is moving so slowly and quickly at the same time!

I figured out that June 23rd will be the day I denounce this place once and for all! Well, I'll at least give my notice. 2 weeks bitches! Then I'm outtie. How will I make it until then?

In tough times like these, I often look to my heros for guidance and ask myself, "What Would Cher Do?"

Cher would not take this corporate bullshit laying down. She's saving herself for Luke Perry! She would haul ass to the ladies in her recently broken in purple clogs, give herself a pep talk in the form of a famous quote by Cliffs Notes, send herself flowers and chocolates, then blow off work to go to the mall and see the new Christian Slater.

Basically, I'm just going to pull myself up by the knee-highs and "whatever" my way through the BS for the next 44 work days (forgot about Summa Fridays, hollerrr!). And after that, I'll be jeepin' on down the open road. I am so so SO excited to feel utter and complete freedom. It feels like pop rocks in my belly and the perfect amount of sunburn on my forehead.

Until then, I'll focus my energy on channeling this each and every day:

Week Three- "Over It"

I am so ready to not ever step foot in this building again.

I hate being around the most absurdly put together people on a day when I just don't feel like getting dressed.

I'm sick of smiling at obnoxious middle aged men that call me "lady".

Mostly, I am just so tired of having to act like I care, when guess what? Nope, I don't.

I just want to be freeeeeee.

It's funny how differently people my age and people of an older generation view this whole situation. When I was deciding whether I should take on this Bossdom, all of my friends/peers told me to screw these corporate bastards and run! Those a mere 5-10+ years older than me advised me to be responsible, be the boss, and leave here on a lovely note.

To the 35+ gang: I know, this is such a great opportunity! Being The Boss will look so great on my resume and after I stick it out for these three months, I'm going to feel so great and will really deserve my adventure time.

Sure.

To my under 30 peeps: Yes, eff them all. You're right, I should have quit when I had the chance. And yes, thank you for agreeing that the fact the my boss named her son Leo is creepy and sacrilegious.

Really, I'm just being grumps today because it's hot out and my spring wardrobe game is not up to par. My outfit yesterday basically looked like this:

 what is happening???

Everything will be fine though. Probably next week I'll be all like, "Omg, I love being Boss!" Ya know?

In the meantime, I'll just watch the Shiba Inu 6 live stream for hours and hours.

wahhhhh

The Countdown Continues

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you stop procrastinating! 

I am leaving work a little early so I can catch a train out of town tonight, and I was feeling stressed this morning about getting everything I needed to get done, done. Of course I had put most of my weekly duties off until today, instead spending hours searching the internet for the perfect tapestry slipper loafer (not yet been located, I'll be in touch). So when I arrived at work this morning, I got right down to business. No blog reading, no online shopping, no g-chatting (okay, a little g-chatting), just straight WORKING. And guess what happened? All done by 11:30! Plenty of time left in the day to mindlessly stare at my computer screen! 

The official count as of today is 53 work days/ 77 life days left in my reign. I can make it right? This week has actually been so boring. Probably the best thing that happened was finding a fountain soda machine filled with BOYLANS! How many cream sodas do you think a person can drink in 53 days?

click on it I guess

xo,

The Boss

ps. how do you make a gif work without clicking on? 

The Boss' Dilemma

As part of the deal I made with myself for enduring idiocy for an additional 3 months, I decided I'm going to live large. Presents! Dinners! Karaoke! For Me, Love Me kind of stuff.

But when do you say "when"?

I mean, I KNOW $750 is a lot of money. Thats like probably a whole month on the open road (I actually have no idea how much it costs on the open road). But this is the fashion industry! And who knows if I will ever work in it again, let alone be boss of it! So really, this could be my only chance in life to rationalize a purchase like this. And when I say "this" I mean this:

BEHOLD

They are just. so. beautiful. It actually pains me. Like, I'm in pain right now I want them so badly. 

So, do I take my one chance in life to buy Prada, or do I make the responsible choice once again? 

Oy, the decisions of a boss are never easy. 

Week 1 Round Up

After one full week of being boss, I feel... taller? Maybe it's this new desk chair or maybe I am finally becoming a ballerina, but I am definitely sitting up a little straighter. 


I went to a wedding last year and was talking to this girl who was around my age (young and still cute, thank you very much!). She asked me what I did and I told her, though I’m not going to tell you because I am trying really hard to stick to this whole anonymous thing. Anyway, she totally swooned and said I was just like the lead actress in a rom-com and that I totally had a dream life. Duh, it wasn’t true, but I let her think it anyway because how often do you get to pretend to be fancy? 

Well, today I do kind of feel like I’m living in a movie. I mean being boss is sort of so weird. It’s AWESOME to be able to tell people what to do, but I can’t really believe that I get to. I find myself saying my please and thank-yous WAY too much, which in my experience is not the bossly thing to do at all. I think I need to work on my bitch face.

Mostly I feel like a romcomtress because it’s been a long week and I can’t wait to get home, kick my shoes off, and eat ice cream on the couch with my dog while watching Friday Night Lights. And yes, most likely there will be tears involved. I mean, Tim Riggins is going to jail!

Anyway, this week I give being the boss an 8.5 on the richter scale. It is 5:51 on a Friday and I'm calling it a day. Because that's my call to make. Because, did you hear? I'M THE BOSS!

WHO

Me! But, who is me, right? This blog is so mysterious! If I ever want to be employed again (nope), I am guessing I should keep it that way. Basically, I am one person (m or f? It's a secret!) who is filling in for a 3 month maternity leave as THE BOSS. I sold my soul for $2000 and now I’m gonna blog about it.

Today is day 3 of bossing. That means I have 82 life days/59 work days until I hand in my resignation and start the great escape twenty-eleven. God, I can taste the sun, and sand, and cheese, and HAPPINESS. 

Here is a re-cap of Boss Week #1 thus far:

Monday April 11, 2011

I spend ¾ of the day trying to get my email to load in my new office. Yep, office. With a view. Of other people’s offices.

Tuesday April 12, 2011

I file my taxes…though maybe wrong?

I also book my hotel room for my first friend wedding.

Basically, this day was way too adult for me.

And today, Wednesday April 13, 2011

We’ll today, diary, I started a blog.

Of course there were 3545634 emails and phone calls and fake smiles in between all that stuff, because, I mean, common, I’M THE BOSS.